One Hundred Dollars (16)

June 30th
Maybe it is the heat. It is summer after all. Perhaps it is the lazy couple of days I just enjoyed, a day of shopping, a day at the beach. These are typical activities for a summer break from school, but I'm not on a summer break. I am living my life however that will be defined in retirement. The adrenaline boost I had with my final bow to Ranney gave me the energy to attack all visible chores in the house and to complete my first paid commission as an artist. It was a brilliant but emotional two week ride, and now I feel as if I am on a downward spiral. Shopping for nothing and lounging at the beach felt guilty to me. Teddy told me yesterday that whatever happens, do not feel guilty. How did he know? Does everyone feel this same sense of uncertainty instead of just enjoying the freedom of a life not defined by 9 to 5?

Making Art Define my Worth
As I am very well aware, my highs can be very high and they have nowhere to go except plummet to the ground. I live my life hoping to be known as an artist. Within a few days at my easel, I completed Princess and earned $100 for the painting. I tasted my dream this week. I tasted happiness, but as expected, I am left with the aftertaste of falling out of happiness. In an attempt to continue my creative streak, I considered a couple of ways to make that money work for me, even with so many more practical things I could do with it, such as grocery shopping. Someone has to pay for my black beans and sweet potatoes.

For my first idea, I thought of my date to go into the city next month with Vicki, Ruth, and Katie, and see an exhibit at the Met. The daily admission for me and my daughter will cost $50 as we are out-of-state (a new, sad rule for the Met Museum). But a yearly membership costs $100, the same amount as my painting. If we go twice, it makes sense to just become a member, right? I can always remember that my painting gave me the gift of membership. So I made the online purchase. I now have no need to consider other options as the money is spent and I think, spent well. I can be inspired by 5,000 years of art history at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the gift will pay itself back tenfold.

My $100 may be spent, yet I am still considering other things to buy. After all, there are over a thousand dollars in gift cards in Katie's dresser in the art room, including a $250 gift certificate to an art store. Other women would buy a piece of jewelry, something pretty to commemorate the occasion. I'm not most women, as made obvious by my lack of shopping spree in the mall. So I have another idea and a dilemma... finding a home replacement for the smart board in school. I already have various ways of drawing on a canvas, such as using my eyes and a number two pencil. But the projector at school was a wonderful addition to my creative toolbox and it is now gone along with my teaching career. The projector gave me a chance to fiddle around with the size and placement of the image on a canvas before drawing it, and the accuracy of the base drawing I got from the projection allowed me to plunge right into what makes me an artist, the paint. Prices for a home unit range from $30 on up. Of course the one I think would be ideal for art rolls in at a whopping $400. It all depends on how sharp the image is, otherwise the costly thing is useless. Should I take the plunge and buy this new toy? It would be an investment in my future, a tool I would love as much as a necklace if I were anyone else. The problem is I feel guilty.