Day 43

July 23rd
Anger fills my body and impatience fills my soul. I woke up angry. Not a good sign for today. Yesterday I woke up calm and content to embark on a free day with my choice on how to spend my hours. Today, I feel the impatience of one needing a change on an interventional level. I've got the whole world at my artist's fingertips and I should be excited and joyful at all sorts of prospects. What I need instead, is a wall to punch. That is not like me at all. Since when do I want to take up boxing?

Norman asked me what my project was going to be yesterday morning. I think that is what started the angry snowball of events. He asked in a perfectly congenial way, but I immediately felt guilty for not having a ready answer, such as I have students coming for art lessons, I have a canvas started, I have important, money making things to do. Nothing came to mind and I felt guilty for taking up space in the house. Ugh. How quickly I downplayed the worth of my existence. He ended his day getting into a war with Yev, his arrogant boss, and that replay of events from work last night filled our morning conversation with even more arrogant words and a level of anger from his tone that bubbled over into my body.

I spent a good hour on the phone with Barbara yesterday, talking about making a business plan to tutor art lessons. She wants me to charge $100 or more an hour. I suppose with Ranney families, that would be possible. I don't know. $100 sounds like an aggressive thing to ask and I don't do aggression well. I hope that doesn't stop me from pursuing the dream of making money as a retiree before I even start. September is almost here. Scary shit. I do favors for people without a question of payment and step into someone else's uncertain shoes and happily help them problem solve with no question of payment. I will lend a hand without ever having someone twist my arm. I should be a way wealthier individual but I feel richer than Trump after feeling like a valued friend. This morning, Ranney put an extra $1500 in my checking account as my 15-year bonus. So, ironically, I did get paid for something this morning after all. The money will help pay the bill for Norman's new teeth and maybe help keep the guilty feelings at bay, but it does nothing to raise my confidence as a person worthy of taking up space in her own home.

Moving forward, more out of guilt and fear than out of a happy adrenaline boost, I knocked on the neighbor's door last night to ask if Evan would like art lessons. We had a lovely conversation. My neighbors are lovely people and we do not know them well. I hope Evan will come to try an art lesson with me. Then I set up the projector (which I still do not like. I might use some of my bonus money to buy something for me... a better projector) and figured out a painting for Murray. That was successful as a step in the right direction. Now, I have a canvas ready to paint in my studio while I wait for a commission to come in. And finally, last night, I raced through my house and cleaned. Without a well defined week with cleaning left to do on the weekend, I don't have a cleaning schedule anymore. I eventually clean when things get grungy around here, like the toilets. A clean house makes me feel in control and keeps me calm. I love a clean house. I should do it regularly, just for my sanity. My clean house, my talk with the neighbors and even my canvas for Murray did not help me wake feeling calm. I need a wall to punch. What is that about? Can't blame it on PMS. That stopped years ago. Thank goodness.