One Hundred Dollars (16)

June 30th
Maybe it is the heat. It is summer after all. Perhaps it is the lazy couple of days I just enjoyed, a day of shopping, a day at the beach. These are typical activities for a summer break from school, but I'm not on a summer break. I am living my life however that will be defined in retirement. The adrenaline boost I had with my final bow to Ranney gave me the energy to attack all visible chores in the house and to complete my first paid commission as an artist. It was a brilliant but emotional two week ride, and now I feel as if I am on a downward spiral. Shopping for nothing and lounging at the beach felt guilty to me. Teddy told me yesterday that whatever happens, do not feel guilty. How did he know? Does everyone feel this same sense of uncertainty instead of just enjoying the freedom of a life not defined by 9 to 5?

Making Art Define my Worth
As I am very well aware, my highs can be very high and they have nowhere to go except plummet to the ground. I live my life hoping to be known as an artist. Within a few days at my easel, I completed Princess and earned $100 for the painting. I tasted my dream this week. I tasted happiness, but as expected, I am left with the aftertaste of falling out of happiness. In an attempt to continue my creative streak, I considered a couple of ways to make that money work for me, even with so many more practical things I could do with it, such as grocery shopping. Someone has to pay for my black beans and sweet potatoes.

For my first idea, I thought of my date to go into the city next month with Vicki, Ruth, and Katie, and see an exhibit at the Met. The daily admission for me and my daughter will cost $50 as we are out-of-state (a new, sad rule for the Met Museum). But a yearly membership costs $100, the same amount as my painting. If we go twice, it makes sense to just become a member, right? I can always remember that my painting gave me the gift of membership. So I made the online purchase. I now have no need to consider other options as the money is spent and I think, spent well. I can be inspired by 5,000 years of art history at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the gift will pay itself back tenfold.

My $100 may be spent, yet I am still considering other things to buy. After all, there are over a thousand dollars in gift cards in Katie's dresser in the art room, including a $250 gift certificate to an art store. Other women would buy a piece of jewelry, something pretty to commemorate the occasion. I'm not most women, as made obvious by my lack of shopping spree in the mall. So I have another idea and a dilemma... finding a home replacement for the smart board in school. I already have various ways of drawing on a canvas, such as using my eyes and a number two pencil. But the projector at school was a wonderful addition to my creative toolbox and it is now gone along with my teaching career. The projector gave me a chance to fiddle around with the size and placement of the image on a canvas before drawing it, and the accuracy of the base drawing I got from the projection allowed me to plunge right into what makes me an artist, the paint. Prices for a home unit range from $30 on up. Of course the one I think would be ideal for art rolls in at a whopping $400. It all depends on how sharp the image is, otherwise the costly thing is useless. Should I take the plunge and buy this new toy? It would be an investment in my future, a tool I would love as much as a necklace if I were anyone else. The problem is I feel guilty.

A Day of Shopping (15)

June 29th
Yesterday might be what will eventually become my typical day as a retired person. I loved my new morning routine as it was rolling along before yesterday: waking early (or not), making hot water and lemon (still not sure that makes a difference, but its an easy thing to do for a better digestion), and sitting down at the computer. I would review my emails, do a search or two for jobs or perhaps research something else, and then open up Penzu. Do I always have a theme for my daily essay? Absolutely not. I might come to my writing with something on my mind or with the actions and thoughts of the day before, but a blank page, just like a blank canvas, lures me in with a myriad of creative possibilities. Yesterday, however, was the disruptor in my routine, and probably not the first one I will face. I woke late and Joyce asked me join her for a ride up to IKEA, a place I enjoy. Well, I could not rush through my morning and get ready for shopping without my bathroom routine, or my breakfast routine, or Murray's routine. It was my Penzu routine that took the back burner and writing was delayed to the afternoon. This bothered me but life throws darts at you and you adjust. I am still new at this thing and kind of vulnerable when it comes to my status as retired. I want to feel like I am in control and I am trying to fit it all in with a smile. Penzu never strayed from my thoughts all day until I could write something down in the late afternoon. That something was the brilliant advance in my career, making it as an artist and getting paid for Princess the painting. That was a very big something! Today, I write about shopping. I guess life does have its moments.

A Girls Day Out
I don't do shopping well. I don't do malls at all. Pathetic is a good word for me at a mall. We drove to Jersey Gardens to use the credit Joyce had at a watch store. That was interesting, finding out about the change in the watch market with hybrid watches. People still enjoy wearing a pretty accessory on their wrist but want the touch screen technology connecting them to their phones. Joyce bought a pretty hybrid for Gabrielle with her credit. The rest of the mall gave us an opportunity to walk and shop but neither of us opened a wallet. Even with my wad of gift cards in my bag, I wandered through a store or two but bought nothing. Sorry, Andrea and Donna. I am a disappointment. I know. Our trek to IKEA was much better. The marketplace is filled with kitchen things. Things that do not have to fit me, things that always seem to have a practical purpose, things that engage my senses with the same excitement as a rack of new markers in an art store. We bought a cute outdoor table for Joyce and a bunch of wonderful kitchen tools for me as only IKEA can entice a meek shopper.

We finished our girls day with a visit to Risa. She was trying to sell off her crazy abundance of products she keeps in her garage. Most of it is typical Hallmark stuff, like frames and costume jewelry. I wandered her living room just like I wandered the mall. All these women had bags of stuff they were happy to bring home to their overstuffed houses, except for me. Finally, in a sack on the floor, I hit pay dirt! I found kitchen stuff! I brought home an apron and a set of measuring cups. I felt like I was a member of a secret girls' club with my bag of purchases on my arm. This was not a creative day, but I realize I am retired and I can do many different kinds of days. Besides, didn't I earn money for Princess? It’s been a good week and, next, we’re off to the beach.

A Hug for Art (14)

June 28th
I got paid for my art!!
I also got a hug.
Yesterday, I carefully wrapped Princess the painting in brown paper and slipped the entire package into a plastic garbage bag in case of rain. (I have to figure out a more professional art presentation. The brown paper is appropriate, the garbage bag, not so much.) Norman and I headed down my very familiar route to Ranney School to deliver my work of art. The school seemed eerily empty and I saw no sign of any teachers or the principal. Even the front door was unlocked and I did not have to use a card to swipe in. A school is a strange place without the kids. Sue, the receptionist, gave us a lovely greeting and she radioed Anthony to come by and get his package. Anthony walked in just as I revealed the painting to Sue. It was propped up on the bench in the lobby. His entire body reacted to the painting. His feet froze in the doorway, his shoulders slumped down in sadness at the sight of the dog, and his eyes teared up. I was quite taken by his reaction; it was the best compliment I could have been given. I captured Princess just as he remembered her.

All emotional, I was ready to say goodbye to Anthony and simply give him Princess as a gift. When asked what he owed me for the painting, I choked up and was obviously not practiced enough in my new "its all about business" attitude. I told him that I should at least get paid for the frame which came to $50, and quickly added (with unexplained guilt) that I would really like $100, but it would be fine if he pays me what he can. I will never get anywhere with that line! And guilt? For what? My art is worth way more than that. He whipped out two fifty dollar bills from his wallet and gave them to me without question and with a smile. I glanced at the money mostly in surprise that he was walking around with that kind of money. Then, he gave me a hug. Every painting I do should come with a hug.

We followed our profitable trip to Ranney School with a short drive to Red Bank to see the Mr. Roger's documentary. I loved Fred Rogers. Our kids watched his PBS show and I had cried at the announcement of his passing in the news. I truly wanted to see a documentary about this beloved man but I was not prepared for the impact it would have on me personally. I was a teacher for the last 15 years. I watched him interact with the children in the film and tried to remember if I always looked into the eyes of every student and made them feel special. Did I work hard enough to earn their respect? As an artist, sure. As an adult in the room, I tried to always be kind and supportive. As a teacher, now I wonder how many I really reached. This documentary should be a required summer movie treat for all educators. I wish I could turn back the clock at least a couple of years, and head back into school with lots of energy, inspired by the words and actions of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

A Video and a Princess (13)

June 27th
This morning, Norman sent us a video that had gone viral. A homeless man, who hit bottom after his wife died and drugs lured him under, was filmed playing piano outside a restaurant. He plays beautifully, and just like Sam, he could play without sheet music. It was all by ear. The video went viral and someone started a Go Fund Me page for the man. With $40,000 to start his life over and a record deal, he completely reversed the path his life was taking. I think we all have it in us to succeed. But like this talented piano player, you have to be ready to realize your opportunity after you put in the time and the hard work. It’s more than just being in the right place at the right time. You have to be prepared for your big chance. This man obviously was a student of music at one point in his life and he kept up his ability outside a restaurant where they let him play every day. Would anyone want to film a homeless guy just sitting on a curb with his hat open for tips? Perhaps, if you are Carlye Rubin and you can figure out the story behind the downward spiral of his life. Would anyone want to film a good looking guy playing beautiful music? Sure, a Chinese lady held up her phone to video Sam playing piano the other day in the Village. But place a hat on top of a piano with an unpolished bum playing very polished music and someone will be intrigued enough to make a difference. Impossible opportunities fall into people's laps all the time, but are most people ready to take the chance?

I Want to be an Artist
I am now after my impossible dream. I have gone through the motion of a school year ending for many years. As a teacher, you get a much needed summer break in June and I would spend the start of it decompressing from the stress of school. Then boredom would set in and I would be eager to start all over again. September and new beginnings are exciting and a time to be optimistic about life. This year, the act of leaving school was my new beginning. A scary new beginning. I retired from teaching with a dream to be an artist. Did I put in the time and hard work to feel worthy of that dream? Yes, definitely. Anything I am interested in, I get obsessive over. Teaching, Quilting, Writing, Veganism, and yes, Art. I should be able to make it as an artist. The only thing I have not put my time into is learning how to be an aggressive businesswoman. There are reasons rich people are rich. Many of them are not so nice. With my introverted personality, I will quietly do anything required to polish my craft until it is good enough for my critical eye and my inner satisfaction. Tell me what to paint and I will research images on that subject for hours, days, and weeks, and then spend months learning how to paint it well. Give me a prompt, like that video Norman shared today, and I can easily write a thousand words on the subject and then edit it for days until I like the flow of the text. It never goes further than that and I have never tried to turn my art or my thoughts into money. I guess what is missing is my master's degree in aggression. Oy.

After sending in applications for part time jobs I don't want and talking to Katie (my therapist daughter), I realize that while I can teach, I would not relish driving in dark and snowy winter nights to tutor students after school. I'd love to be recognized for writing but to be paid as a copywriter, it appears that I would have to learn a new subject so I can write knowledgeably about such fascinating topics as medicine or finance. Unless it is a topic as personally appealing to me as my journey to a vegan diet was, I don't want to reinvent myself all over again. It makes me feel old. I am an artist. I want to be an artist.

So, yesterday afternoon, I wrote a blog post about finishing "Princess," the painting. I turned the post into a gallery view of my seven completed dog portraits. Sometimes the most talented of people find their success by discovering a marketable niche. Could I go into business selling dog portraits? A better question might be whether I am most proud of those paintings. Zoe is my favorite dog portrait, but my paintings for Zach and Sam are personal favorites as well, and they don't have a lick of fur on them! I guess I should be thinking in terms of business, of profit. Maybe limiting myself would make good business sense. Norman posted my dog portrait gallery on Facebook and it got many compliments. Then, someone else at the club looked at my paintings on Norman's phone and was impressed. People love their pets. So, for today, in my floundering quest to become an entrepreneur artist, I will pursue my niche of painting dogs, or maybe just my niche of painting. Perhaps I can be a vegan chef. Now, there's an idea! Floundering is probably not good for business.

The High of Completion (12)

June 26th
My highs are very high and I always look to share my happiness with the world. That could be through a text or email, or bubbling over with excitement to share it with the likes of Sara Moulton on Instagram. My lows are so low they get me in tears and I end up just sharing them with Katie after the depression eats me alive. She should have been a therapist. Would she diagnose me with bipolar personality? Why can't I just ride the tides of life like other seemingly calm people? My guess is that more folks are really just like me but they hide it well.

Yesterday was a great day. In one day, I checked off many of my vitamin week goal boxes. (BTW, the nameless pup for Anthony turned out to be "Princess." What else would you name a poodle with pink undertones beneath her curly white fur?) So anyway, Princess the painting was framed and signed. I can check off that box for creative endeavors. I created a new recipe for sweet potato burgers. Check again. I took a walk with Joyce in Manalapan Rec. Check for exercise. Check for seeing a friend. I talked neighborly to Risa and Mike. Check for more socializing with friends. I sat on the deck with Norman and we had dinner together. Check. I took care of some house cleaning. Check. I did some volunteer work by building shelves for Joyce. Check! The only thing missing was someone to pay me for my efforts. If I get money for Princess the painting, it will be a really big check!!

Now here comes my new concern, I need something new to be excited about. I don't do calm well. The painting is done. The shelves are built. I survived my first week in my new status as a retiree. I got the house clean thanks to a good dose of company. Now what? This uncertainty is what fueled my fears as school ended. In the high of everyone's praises as the school year and my career came to a close, I rushed through everything I could think of just to continue feeling accomplished. I felt alive and happy, and the high of that adrenaline rush pushed me through the week. Now, I worry about the next week as reality sets in and I have nothing planned for my days. My first thought was to create a blog post about Princess the painting and highlight all seven of my dog paintings. Time to make that a thing. Time to make it a business, painting animals for cash. I know I don't have to prove my talent or worth to anyone, I just have to let them see my paintings. It will hurt in the long run if I never give myself the chance to be an artist... or a writer. Do I trust myself to go through this? I will have lunch with Katie today and she will tell me. My daughter, my therapist. I love her.

Vitamin Week Checklist (11)

June 25th
Just over one week as a retiree and I am already staring at a blank screen, not knowing what today's entry will be. We had a great day yesterday with our visit with Vicki and tons of food. I have to be thankful that each day has been filled with things to occupy my mind and has kept me physically moving. Just this week, I have organized the bags of school stuff, made three BBQ dinners for friends, completed a painting, and helped Joyce build shelves. Doing so much has made the transition from working a full job to not working a full job easier. And, it does not feel like I am not working a full job. I am just as exhausted come nightfall.

Every Sunday morning, I fill my weekly vitamin container with pills and potions. There is no real medicine in there, thank goodness. I have reached the age of 61 without blood pressure meds or cholesterol meds, heart meds or diabetes meds. And I want to attribute that to my health-promoting diet. I am convinced that the genes I was dealt would have otherwise led to a lousy and way too early death. Some folks can abuse their bodies and live to 100. Not me. My journey to a gluten-free and then a vegan diet disturbs everyone to no end, but it has given my family a much healthier mom. I feel so much better now with the way I look and the way I feel. So in the vitamin container just goes some vitamins.

Each day I take notice of the pills spilling into my pink bowl and watch the week fade away. I cross off the days of my life with an empty container. By Thursday, there are four empties and I always wonder where the week went. With school in session, it was so easy to get to Thursday in the blink of an eye. Yes, there was a six-day rotation in school making each day different, but really, A day, B day, C day, or any other day was no different in retrospect. They all blurred into a mess of long days with some rewarding moments and many frustrating, tiring ones. The days were flying by and disappearing like the vitamins I swallowed to ensure better health. My crazy, wishful goal was always to slow this down. I have now left a job that created an endless stream of fading days. I have given myself the opportunity to build a very different kind of life, one filled with memorable moments to plunge into and enjoy.

So here goes my checklist for a full and worthy vitamin week.

• Do something creative every day and that does not have to be a framed canvas. It could be dreaming up dinner in the kitchen.
• Do at least one satisfying, Instagram worthy, excited to start again the next day, creative project that makes my week memorable.
• Write each day. (Thank you, Penzu)
• Paint or quilt or do whatever creative hobby that lures me in. Keep those hands going each day.
• Get exercise each day.
• Keep my home a place I love to be in.
• Spend time with Norman. I have no desire to play tennis or play poker or take a deck nap. He is not jumping with excitement over my hobbies any more than he is willing to eat beans for dinner. What will our new routine look like? So far it means going to Masa for dinner. That's a start. 
• Keep up my own social life. Do I have friends? I often forget I do.
• Find a way to earn money. 
• Earn money.
• Spend time with my kids. At least hear their voices every day.
• Call or visit Daddy each week.
• Help someone else. That is a big one. I felt helpful to others at school with no expectations for payback. I like helping others, it fills me with happiness. How do I do that here? Volunteer somewhere?
• I am now staring at this last blank bullet point like I did at the blank screen at the beginning of the Day 11 entry. This exercise made me realize that my goals should not end here, nor should I know what else I should write. This is a living and breathing weekly goal for life. Today is Monday, the start of a new week, and so it begins.

Hearts Beat Loud (10)

June 24th
My life as an artist continues. My latest doggie portrait may be complete, but I haven't taken another look at it this morning so we will see. It still needs a frame and my signature. I crave the creative buzz I get from both painting and writing. Those are turning into my main creative outlets. Each practice, each action, makes me feel like an artist. I am oblivious to time or to my surroundings when I am in the midst of painting or writing, and I'm always surprised when consciousness hits me and i realize just how much I accomplished. Afterward, I get something akin to an out-of-body experience, marveling at the finished product as if I am looking at or reading someone else's work. With my painting of Anthony's nameless poodle, I started texting people with her picture just to get the applause and reaction an artist of any kind craves. With my words, especially in Penzu, they remain mine but I still read them over and over again on all sizes of digital screens and tweak it with the same passionate touches I give a painting. I like the tweaking just as much as being in the midst of the creation. A tiny touch of a brush stroke or a new word brings immediate gratification and so much creative satisfaction. My nameless pup should be worth hundreds of dollars but unfortunately, Anthony has no idea what I am giving him with this canvas. He still thinks it is a quick sketch or a watercolor and not worth the care or experience I put into it. He will have to reimburse me for the frame at least. This subject is something I will have to come to terms for any future requests. And for now... well, I do not owe him anything, especially not a favor. I retired from Ranney. He will have to pay me something.

Vicki was supposed to come to visit with Joelie, Marilyn, and Ruthie on Saturday. The weather forecast mistakingly predicted a 90% chance of rain and thunderstorms so we postponed the visit to Sunday. I think Frank Field was much more accurate back in the day and he didn't even have the fancy technology that weathermen now use to figure out their cold fronts and approaching storms. Meanwhile, it didn't rain yesterday. How could you be that wrong? A 90% chance of rain is like a sure thing! So even though it didn't rain, off to the movies we went. "Hearts Beat Loud" was one of the best films of the year, according to me. It was a feel-good film about a dad facing a record shop closing and his college-bound daughter. Music and the idea of forming a band bonds them together. I loved seeing it through the eyes (or ears?) of Sam as he brought a higher level of expertise and appreciation to the many musical elements of the movie. The girl lead had a beautiful voice and brought me to tears. A subplot was her relationship with a girlfriend. How nice that this storyline flowed naturally throughout the movie expecting our acceptance without question. There was so much sexual tension in the scene when the two girls were about to kiss for the first time. I was rooting with anticipation for that to happen and impressed with how sweetly the scene played out. I can't imagine anyone watching having any reaction other than mine. Love is different for different people but no less vital to life. Vicki taught me that. I look forward to telling her about this movie today. I hope it doesn't rain.