The High of Completion (12)

June 26th
My highs are very high and I always look to share my happiness with the world. That could be through a text or email, or bubbling over with excitement to share it with the likes of Sara Moulton on Instagram. My lows are so low they get me in tears and I end up just sharing them with Katie after the depression eats me alive. She should have been a therapist. Would she diagnose me with bipolar personality? Why can't I just ride the tides of life like other seemingly calm people? My guess is that more folks are really just like me but they hide it well.

Yesterday was a great day. In one day, I checked off many of my vitamin week goal boxes. (BTW, the nameless pup for Anthony turned out to be "Princess." What else would you name a poodle with pink undertones beneath her curly white fur?) So anyway, Princess the painting was framed and signed. I can check off that box for creative endeavors. I created a new recipe for sweet potato burgers. Check again. I took a walk with Joyce in Manalapan Rec. Check for exercise. Check for seeing a friend. I talked neighborly to Risa and Mike. Check for more socializing with friends. I sat on the deck with Norman and we had dinner together. Check. I took care of some house cleaning. Check. I did some volunteer work by building shelves for Joyce. Check! The only thing missing was someone to pay me for my efforts. If I get money for Princess the painting, it will be a really big check!!

Now here comes my new concern, I need something new to be excited about. I don't do calm well. The painting is done. The shelves are built. I survived my first week in my new status as a retiree. I got the house clean thanks to a good dose of company. Now what? This uncertainty is what fueled my fears as school ended. In the high of everyone's praises as the school year and my career came to a close, I rushed through everything I could think of just to continue feeling accomplished. I felt alive and happy, and the high of that adrenaline rush pushed me through the week. Now, I worry about the next week as reality sets in and I have nothing planned for my days. My first thought was to create a blog post about Princess the painting and highlight all seven of my dog paintings. Time to make that a thing. Time to make it a business, painting animals for cash. I know I don't have to prove my talent or worth to anyone, I just have to let them see my paintings. It will hurt in the long run if I never give myself the chance to be an artist... or a writer. Do I trust myself to go through this? I will have lunch with Katie today and she will tell me. My daughter, my therapist. I love her.